i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
