thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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