Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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