Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
