My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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