hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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