She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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