i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
cat food counts as protein by the way
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
