Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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