I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
