3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My room smells like vodka and shame
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize