I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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