So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
