I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize