Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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