then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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