I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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