I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
