i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
