Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
