Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
