she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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