He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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