I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
