so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
