why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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