She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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