OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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