Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
