This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
