I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
