I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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