you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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