I wish my penis had an off switch
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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