I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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