I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
