I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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