I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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