I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
