i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
