your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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