Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
