Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize