Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize