will power is for people who don't want to get laid
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I FOUND THE LEGS
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
