made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
