last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
