I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
