I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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