apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was born a porn star she said
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
