but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
