You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
