What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
