Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
