I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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