i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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