by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
