new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm always down for nudity.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
