Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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