it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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