i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
